People love to fight over stupid things. Approximately 98 percent of the Internet exists to perpetuate this truth. However, sometimes violent confrontations erupt for reasons that are so bafflingly idiotic, even the Internet is forced to take notice.
#5. The Taliban Kidnaps a Man for His Extravagant Mustache
In Pakistan, intense cultural significance is placed on a man’s mustache, so we guess it’s pretty much like the rest of the world. One man in particular, Malik Afridi, is renowned for his luxurious lip hair — he spends 30 minutes a day preparing it, with half a can of oil, a room of mirrors, and presumably the Super Mario Bros. 3 issue of Nintendo Power for inspiration.
“No, no, no. Not Wario enough yet; get your shit together, Malik.”
But the Taliban, which has a history of ruining people’s fun, recently demanded that everyone in Pakistan ditch mustaches in favor of the angry beards they were more accustomed to. To prove they were serious, the Taliban kidnapped Afridi, holding him and his famous mustache hostage for a month until he agreed to shave. However, Afridi regrew his spectacular face horns right after his release, so the Taliban began sending him death threats, which we assume consisted of envelopes stuffed with clippings of his old mustache. Afridi is now trying to find a safe country for himself and his mustache to emigrate to.
How could that mustache inspire anything but love and adoration?
#4. Thieves Engage in a Five-Hour Standoff Against Cops for Quiche
Recently, two men decided to break into a local diner after hours and help themselves to several plates of quiche, because that’s totally a normal thing that burglars do.
The police happened to drive by and see the bandits stuffing their faces with breakfast egg pie, throwing into motion a tense five-hour standoff as the men barricaded themselves inside the restaurant with knives and refused to surrender to the squadron of 15 police cruisers surrounding the building. The owners of the cafe, arriving on scene in the early morning hours before the standoff finally ended, just shrugged and admitted they made “very good quiche.”
“So good, it’ll make you want to stab 15 police officers!”
#3. A Kindergarten Graduation Turns into a Brawl Over Spilled Punch
Two teenage girls in Ohio got into a fistfight this past summer over a spilled cup of punch at a kindergarten graduation, although tensions were probably already high due to the fact that kindergarten graduations are about as indispensable as a behind-the-scenes featurette on the Kickin’ It Old Skool DVD. This being a ceremony for young, impressionable children, the girls’ respective families quickly defused the situation and … oh wait, no. They all jumped in and started a huge melee, including people wielding pipes and hammers, because for some fucking reason somebody brought those to a kindergarten. It took 10 police cars to break up the violence, although on the plus side, it made for a good way to test the new graduates’ counting skills as they got to add up how many of their family members were led away in handcuffs.
John Kuntz/The Plain Dealer
“ONE! TWO! Ah ah ah!”
#2. Florida Youth Prison Riot Erupts Over Cup Noodles
The all-male Avon Park Youth Academy (which is a nice way of saying “Jail 4 Kidz”) recently hosted a basketball game between two other juvenile detention centers. The participants gambled three bowls of Cup Noodles on the match, because currency takes strange forms in prison, and when the losing team refused to pay up, a fight broke out that quickly devolved into a full-blown prison riot.
Only the Hot Pockets riot of ’08 had a higher body count.
The 138 inmates quickly overpowered the facility’s 19 unarmed guards and completely destroyed 18 of Avon Park’s 20 total buildings, including burning down the office that contained all of their criminal records.
Also, a giant chicken was apparently murdered at some point during the night.
It took 150 law enforcement officers from various state and local agencies to bring the riot under control, landing 68 of the kids in grown-up jail. The fate of the three Cup Noodles is unclear.
#1. An Ice Cream Turf War Nearly Ends in a Knife Fight
On a recent evening in New York City, a local Mister Softee driver became enraged when a rival Yogo ice cream truck pulled onto the same street and started slinging frozen treats on his turf. Clearly, this was a flagrant violation of the shaky truce held between the kingpins of the New York City ice cream underworld, one that the Mister Softee driver wasn’t about to take lying down. So he leaped out and ripped the vendor’s permit off of the Yogo driver’s truck. Unwilling to stand for this grave insult, the Yogo driver pulled out a goddamned knife.
Sam Costanza/New York Daily News
“He pulls out an ice cream scoop, you pull a knife. That’s the frozen treats way!”
Thankfully, the police showed up before the confrontation escalated any further, but not before every news outlet in the country picked up the story and delighted us with horrible ice cream puns.
Sam Costanza/New York Daily News
“Stone cold ice cream man gets a single serving of justice. We’ve got the scoop at 11.”
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